Don’t involve the children in the custody fight. This seems simple enough. The trick is to avoid placing the child directly in the custody battle. The less they know about the parent's custody disagreements, the better the job the parents are doing. Yet, for some reason many parents are convinced that their young child has strong feelings about which parent they prefer, and actively involve them . While this could rarely be the case, it is most likely the parent projecting their views of custody on the child. Children will parrot back to each parent what that parent want's to hear. Don't believe it? Judges and lawyers often have both parties purporting that the child has indicated that they are the parent the child wants to live with. When we get the child with a psychologist or in the judges chambers we often find they do have a preference, usually for split custody. So neither parent is right. So you should really avoid extensively discussing the custody situation with the child, and leave that to the counselors and doctors. Most children will tell you what they think you want to hear, no matter how independent you may feel they are being. Of course if your child reports a safety or welfare issue, you should investigate and address it. So it is important to make sure that the child understands they can be open about what happens with the other parent and in the other household. This takes balance. Finally, avoid using the child as a messenger. No child should have to relay changes in custody or one parent's displeasure to the other parent. Doing so is grounds for most courts to find you unfit. If the other parent needs to be talked to about a custody issue, do it yourself, or through counsel. Young children and even older children do not need to relay custody changes or address custody disputes. In an ideal situation, each parent can disagree and fight the custody case without directly addressing all the details with the children, and without using the kids as a go between. Keeping the children out of it will keep you in the custody. Did you know that it is possible to find a custody attorney online? TIP #9 - Facilitate the opposing party’s custody as much as possible.
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Use our Free Child Custody resources to learn more. Each article or vignette was prepared by an attorney, and explains some general strategies and ideas for parents with custody issues. Of course all 50 states have different laws and ways of applying the principles of child custody, so you should familiarize yourself with your state's particular custody laws and rules. |
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Uniform Child Custody Jurisdiction and Enforcement Act (1997) (original text)
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